Moving On…

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I decided a few weeks ago to move on and let go of hoping this guy I was dating would want to be with me. I kept quiet about the break-up for a long time, because I was respecting his privacy, but now, I figure he doesn’t give a shit about me and he’s not going to read this post so what does it matter if I talk about my feelings.

He was the first guy I dated after my divorce and we clicked the first time we met. There was so much chemistry and I really liked him. He told me he wanted to be in a relationship with me and that he experienced the same chemistry between us, too.

But, when it came closer to him being transferred to Texas, I felt him pulling away. His attitude towards me changed and his behavior became less “into” me. After he was in Texas, I asked him if he wanted to stop seeing each other, because I could tell he was pulling away from me. He said to me that I was sabotaging the relationship. Thinking back about how he behaved, I feel he was the sabotager and wanted me to end things.

We were only together for four months, but I figured someone, who is 46 would have his shit together and know what he wants. But I was wrong. He behaved like the guys I encountered in my twenties and I think he was worse, because he was damaged from his previous marriage. He was scorned and everything I did only reminded him of his ex-wife, so I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t. I noticed his lack of trust and his questioning of things that sent red flags my way, but I didn’t confront him about it since we hadn’t known each other very long.

Despite my feelings for him, it was obvious that he was not ready for a relationship, because he hadn’t worked out all his baggage from his bad marriage. He wasn’t even aware of the fact that he needed to work that shit out. Crazy thing is, I was willing to work through his baggage with him, because I understood his pain.

Anyway, I keep telling myself to let him go and that he doesn’t give a shit about me. If he did he would be calling or texting me like he did when we met. I tell myself this everyday.

For a week now, I have been trying to get back in the game of dating. I’m talking to a couple guys, but my heart is half in it. There’s one guy I’m interested in, but like I said my heart is half in it and I keep thinking about the guy I was seeing, who doesn’t care about or deserve my time, my thoughts or my heart anymore.

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