Life, Death and Regrets

Communication-apart

Today, my heart is heavy and the spark to do anything just wasn’t there. In the early evening, it dawned on me that I was depressed. I thought about my dad and my regret that I never told him how I felt before he died.

My relationship with my father was not the best. We conflicted with each other, my temper I learned from him and he taught me to be like a guy and not show emotion, unless it was anger. It’s because of him that I don’t cry and feel I’m showing weakness when the tears escape my control.

All day, I’ve struggled with my feelings and if I should express them. If I don’t express them, will this be another regret that I will have? I’ve debated whether I should write this blog and at one point I thought I should, because, maybe, there’s someone out there, who has dealt with what I’m dealing with now and can give me insight on what to do.

A big part of me just feels like I should just take the risk and express how I feel. I mean what do I have to lose and I already know that hurt heals. And, I know I would regret not saying how I feel if something bad were to happen.

The guy I was dating told me last night that he is going to be deployed. He’s in the Air Force and when he told me about the deployment I, immediately, told him I wanted to see him before he left.

It’s been five months since we went our separate ways. There’s been little communication between us and when we have communicated it seemed to push us further away from each other. I’ve tried to get over him and move on, but I haven’t been able to stop feeling the way I do for him.

Before we parted ways, I told him how I felt. I wanted to be with only him and I really liked him. It seemed like expressing my feelings was a mistake, because he told me he wasn’t feeling it and there was no future between us. He wanted to continue things between us, but I didn’t see the point when he told me his feelings were not growing for me, we had no future together and to continue things between us, I would just be his fuck toy and feel used.

I’ve tried to meet someone else. I’ve chatted with guys, but my heart was never in it. Some of the guys, they were really HOT and I would have been very interested in them, IF, I wasn’t still wanting the guy I dated.

How he feels towards me, now? I have no idea. When I expressed that I still missed him and wished he wasn’t in Texas, his response was, “Awwe, thanks.” Does this mean he has no feelings for me or is he just being a guy and keeping his feelings in check?

All day, I’ve struggled with should I tell him how I feel or just remain quiet. Part of me fears that if I tell him how I feel he’ll push me away, again, like he did before when I told him how I felt. The other part of me knows if he were to die during his deployment I would regret not telling him how I felt.

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