Loss: Apollo Losing Him

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I know it’s been awhile since I’ve wrote a blog. On October 21st, I had to say good-bye to my red dog, Apollo. A part of my heart was taken when I lost him.

Last week, I tried to write a blog about losing Apollo, but I couldn’t write it without being overcome with grief. Even now, it’s still to hard for me to discuss his death.

But, I wanted to explain why it has been so long that I haven’t written a blog.

Fear

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Fear may be the most powerful emotion we feel. I say this, because I was thinking how we fear death, failure, pain, the unknown, the future, and the list can be endless.

I have feared all the things I have just listed. There will be moments where I’m reminded of how fear keeps me from living and really what I fear isn’t something to be afraid of.

After watching my mother struggle with cancer and die, I know what we believe matters in life really doesn’t.  When facing death it’s then that we understand what’s really important.

It’s this understanding of what’s important that we need to grasp before death is knocking at our door.

Since my mother’s death, I have no fear of dying. But the living part, I’m still working on.

This is what I know now:

  1. Love with no limits and no strings.
  2. Pain doesn’t last forever.
  3. Failure helps us learn.
  4. Take the time to appreciate all the positives in our life.
  5. Live in the present and worry less about the future and the past has happened so let it go.
  6. Forgive, it benefits the forgiver.
  7. Learn from the pain and mistakes, but don’t let it define me.
  8. Do what makes me happy.
  9. Those Fantastic moments and Great opportunities in life, enjoy them to the fullest.
  10. Each day really can be a new beginning.

Life: We Take it for Granted

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I’ll never understand how one can kill another living being.

With all the violence happening recently and in the past (Alton Sterling, Louisiana,  Orlando, France, 911 and the list seems endless), one must question does anyone value life?

The lives lost that don’t make the news from child abuse, gang shootings, sex trafficking, dog fighting, child labor and the many other dark acts of the souless should not exist. BUT, they do.

How does one lose compassion or never have it?

Tragedies and loss could be the reason for the loss of compassion,  but I feel it’s a choice the person has made to have no compassion and choose to hate, to harm and to not value life.

I’ve had tragedy and loss. I could have chosen a very different and dark life, drug addiction, suicide, victim, etc. I understand the pain from tragedy and loss. But, I never allowed myself to lose compassion.

What will it take to change the part of the world that is void of compassion?

Us, who value life and whose hearts are not closed to love, to being kind, open to understanding and want change, we will need to infect compassion into the compassionless world.

Dallas Non-Violent Protest: Shooting

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This shooting makes me sad. The lives lost at this shooting mattered along with Alton Sterling, Castile Philando, Tamir Rice, Rekia Boyd, those lost in Orlando, 9-11, Belgium, Paris,  and the many, many, others whose lives were lost due to HATE and IGNORANCE all over the WORLD.

Violence is not the Answer!

Allowing Hate, Ignorance, Racism, and Prejudice to thrive should not be tolerated!

How many more lives must be lost?

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Freedom: You’re Free

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Freedom

The Power to Act, Speak, or Think as one Wants without Hinderance or Restraint. The State of not being Imprisoned or Enslaved.

Oppression

Prolonged cruel or unjust treatment or control

The state of being subject to unjust treatment or control

Mental pressure or distress

I feel compelled to express my thoughts after the recent shootings by police officers that has killed African-Americans.

I’m not going to talk about police brutality or racism among those who are to protect and serve.

I’m going to discuss inequality, prejudice and racism.

It’s 2016 and still oppression exists. “You’re Free.” Really? Because we are not slaves? Because we have the right to vote? Because we have the right to own land? And I say “we,” because throughout history every race has been oppressed, civil rights denied and slaves to White Greed, White Hate and White Oppression.

Awe…I said White Greed, White Hate and White Oppression. I’m not implying hate all white people and all white people are horrible. No, I’m stating a FACT. Educate yourself on American history and not the edited version that leaves out how the Chinese were slaves to building the railroads, African-American slavery and broken treaties with Native Americans (plus, the slaughter of the many Indigenous lives).

The Fact that Hate and Oppression still exists TODAY is frustrating. And it’s not just racism among white people. Racism and prejudice are diseases among all races and within races that has been passed on from generation to generation.

And it needs to STOP!

This is what I’ve experienced and witnessed in the 21st century.

Among my own family, Nigger is said and other derrogatory racial slurs, Spic, Jap, Chink, Injun when referring to a particular race. It’s NEVER ok to refer to a person by a racial slur. It’s demeaning, hateful and not funny.

Things haven’t changed and Hate and Ignorance still infect America when people are still using racial slurs.

I lived in Texas for a bit. Now, the South is an eye-opening experience. I’m not talking about the big cities in the South. I traveled through Texas, Mississippi, Louisiana and Kentucky and visited the small towns in these states. Civil Rights was enacted in 1964 and the South pretty much ignored that this legislation exist.

Now, I know there’s Good Southerners, but if the Good Southerners deny, ignore or don’t acknowledge what is happening in the South then you’re just as guilty as those that are keeping racism, segregation and hate alive.

A white person told my ex that the Blacks know their place. Segregation isn’t openly displayed, but it’s there. And it’s not African-American or Blacks, my ex repeatedly heard Nigger over and over when talking to white co-workers.

Things haven’t changed and Hate and Ignorance still infect America when a race of people “know” their “place.”

Let’s not forget the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender population, who had to fight for legal marriage and continue to struggle with hate and violence against them. I have friends and family, who are gay. They are no different than heterosexuals. They want to live their lives in peace, be able to love who they want to love and don’t want to harm anyone.

Things haven’t changed and Hate and Ignorance still infect America when gay people fear being harmed, hated and judged if they reveal their sexual preference. 

Will it take many more deaths, new laws, or another century for EVERYONE to understand, embrace and work towards abolishing HATE, IGNORANCE, RACISM, PREJUDICE and finally make LOVE, ACCEPTANCE AND PEACE rule?

 

 

Cancer: My Zeus

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Thursday, I took my pup, Zeus, to the Vet to have his toenail looked at, because it was bent. I was afraid he would get it caught on something and it would get ripped out of his paw. The vet wanted to take an x-ray of his toe to see if there was an infection.

After the radiologist looked at the x-ray, I get the news that Zeus has bone cancer in his toe. They want to amputate the toe so they can test the bone to see what kind of cancer it is or if it’s a benign tumor. From my understanding benign means it’s not cancerous, but the radiologist was like it’s cancer. The vet is saying the tumor could be benign.

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I lost my Daisy to bone cancer three years ago come this July. I’m still not over losing her. All my pups are rescues. Daisy was abandoned at a Pet Smart grooming center in Texas and I saw her when the staff was walking her around the store. As soon as, I saw her I knew I wanted her and that I would name her Daisy.

Zeus, I rescued from an animal shelter. He was from a litter of 8 puppies. As soon as I saw the furball, I wanted him and he was my first puppy. I raised him since he was two months old, so losing him is going to be very hard.

Rottweilers are prone to getting cancer. Zeus is part Rottweiler, Black Lab and cattle dog. He’s a very laid back dog, stubburn, low-energy and stoic. He’s not the type of dog to snuggle with you or follow his master around. I, always, know he’s somewhere holding the floor down.

The news that Zeus could have cancer has depressed me. I haven’t wanted to do anything since Thursday. I don’t have kids so my dogs are my fur babies. I’m hoping that he doesn’t have cancer. If it’s is the Big C, I hope it hasn’t spread and by taking off his toe that it’ll give him a couple more years.

My Dad: Happy Father’s Day

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This is dedicated to my dad, who died of cancer when he was only 55 years old. The pic of him above shows who he was. He loved fishing and was a HUGE Hawkeye fan. Every bowl game the Hawkeyes went to, my dad was there cheering them on and when they lost he was depressed for days.

My dad was a Proud Grandpa. When my nephew was born grandpa spoiled him immensely. It made my father extremely sad that he would not be around to watch his grandson grow up to be an adult. By the time my nephew was born, the cancer had spread to my dad’s bones.

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I didn’t have the best relationship with my father. We conflicted a lot. When I watch the movie Trouble With The Curve the conflict between Clint Eastwood and Amy Adams characters is the kind of relationship I had with my dad. I know my father loved his children. He just had a hard time expressing it.

One of the things my father and I did was play Uno. I don’t know if my dad let me win or he just wasn’t good at playing cards, but I won a lot…LOL. He had t-shirts made where one side said Champion and the other side said Loser. When my dad won he would go put his shirt on and parade around posing and declaring he was the CHAMPION. It was quite funny.

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My dad was an adventure seeker. He was the one, who knew how to have fun and always the prankster. We would go to Wisconsin to visit one of my mom’s aunts. There were waterslides there. I remember my father’s excitement to go to the waterpark. I would ride the waterslide with my dad. He would lie on his stomach and I would ride down lying on top of his back. Along with the waterslides, it was my dad, who rode the roller coasters and all the fast, fun rides with us at any amusement park we went to.

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During the summer, my dad insisted we go on a family vacation. We would travel in the RV and we went to New York and all along the East Coast, Florida, California, Las Vegas, Arizona, Missouri and, of course, Wisconsin. Fun times, those family vacations and we had a map on the RV that we would fill in the states that we traveled to or through.

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It didn’t matter that my dad was raising daughters he still taught us how to play sports. I wasn’t really that good at any sport, but my sister was at softball and volleyball. One time during one of the holidays, we were in the backyard playing football. I don’t remember everyone that was playing, but I do recall my dad tossing me between his legs for a touchdown. This was my sports achievement being small and tricking the opposing team for a touchdown…LOL.

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I feel lucky to have had a father. He wasn’t my biological dad, but to him I was his daughter. Because of him, I learned to be strong, kind, outspoken, brave, independent, adventurous, playful, and being part of a family.

My dad wasn’t one, who could say I Love You or show affection, but loved his kids very much. He would help his kids with anything and had a HUGE heart. My father wanted to give us the World and he sure tried to.

Love you and Miss you, Dad.

Death

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Despite knowing death is going to happen, one is never fully prepared. A patient died tonight.

After working at the hospital for several years and experiencing many patients dying. It still makes me sad when death happens.

It’s quiet at work tonight with a heaviness in the air from the loss.

Orlando Shooting

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My heart goes out to those that were victimized, lost a loved one or injured in Orlando. I’m glad my friends in Orlando were not hurt by this horrible shooter. I don’t understand the hate and ignorance that drives some people to harm or kill. The HATE and IGNORANCE and TERRORISTS ATTACKS has to STOP!

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Life, Death and Regrets

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Today, my heart is heavy and the spark to do anything just wasn’t there. In the early evening, it dawned on me that I was depressed. I thought about my dad and my regret that I never told him how I felt before he died.

My relationship with my father was not the best. We conflicted with each other, my temper I learned from him and he taught me to be like a guy and not show emotion, unless it was anger. It’s because of him that I don’t cry and feel I’m showing weakness when the tears escape my control.

All day, I’ve struggled with my feelings and if I should express them. If I don’t express them, will this be another regret that I will have? I’ve debated whether I should write this blog and at one point I thought I should, because, maybe, there’s someone out there, who has dealt with what I’m dealing with now and can give me insight on what to do.

A big part of me just feels like I should just take the risk and express how I feel. I mean what do I have to lose and I already know that hurt heals. And, I know I would regret not saying how I feel if something bad were to happen.

The guy I was dating told me last night that he is going to be deployed. He’s in the Air Force and when he told me about the deployment I, immediately, told him I wanted to see him before he left.

It’s been five months since we went our separate ways. There’s been little communication between us and when we have communicated it seemed to push us further away from each other. I’ve tried to get over him and move on, but I haven’t been able to stop feeling the way I do for him.

Before we parted ways, I told him how I felt. I wanted to be with only him and I really liked him. It seemed like expressing my feelings was a mistake, because he told me he wasn’t feeling it and there was no future between us. He wanted to continue things between us, but I didn’t see the point when he told me his feelings were not growing for me, we had no future together and to continue things between us, I would just be his fuck toy and feel used.

I’ve tried to meet someone else. I’ve chatted with guys, but my heart was never in it. Some of the guys, they were really HOT and I would have been very interested in them, IF, I wasn’t still wanting the guy I dated.

How he feels towards me, now? I have no idea. When I expressed that I still missed him and wished he wasn’t in Texas, his response was, “Awwe, thanks.” Does this mean he has no feelings for me or is he just being a guy and keeping his feelings in check?

All day, I’ve struggled with should I tell him how I feel or just remain quiet. Part of me fears that if I tell him how I feel he’ll push me away, again, like he did before when I told him how I felt. The other part of me knows if he were to die during his deployment I would regret not telling him how I felt.