Marriage: Forever Til Death Do Us Part

marriage

I was reading this book about relationships and I came across this passage, “There’s a common misconception that when a relationship ends, it must be someone’s fault..But what if you both simply lacked the knowledge you needed at that time to build a great partnership? Or what if you were mismatched from the get-go? Or what if that particular relationship was meant to be a learning, rather than a lasting, experience?”

We’ve been taught from probably the beginning of time that marriage is forever. Divorce should not be an option.

But divorce does happen.

And, we’ve been taught to feel like we’ve failed when our marriages end. We blamed our mate and ourselves for the divorce. The blaming made us feel like shit and made us wonder what the hell was wrong with us as a person.

But what if we stopped blaming and feeling like we failed and just learn from the marriage?

If we focused on what we learned from the marriage, would the divorce rate for our second marriages decrease?

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Me, Myself and I

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I read Savingshards blog, Better Alone. Or Not. It made me think about my marriage and ex. There were moments I wondered if I shouldn’t have left then I remember how I feel when I’m around my ex.

This past Monday my ex and I took our pups hiking. We can do things together and not kill each other…LOL. However, we get on each other’s nerves every time we are together. Why? Because, all the things that annoyed us about each other really aggravate us now that we are not married. Ironically, during the hike, we talked about how we piss each other off.

Some of our friends wonder how we can be civil to one another and be friends. We get along, because we choose to be this way. Getting along, this does not equal that we are BFFs. Also, I don’t feel it’s necessary to be a Bitch or mean to my ex. I think that behavior is juvenile and I’d rather be positive when there’s so much negative in the world.

During the hike, my ex asked me if I was seeing anyone. I told him I hadn’t found anyone that had the qualities I’m looking for. My ex told me I shouldn’t be so picky and that guys, who have been married and older, there are only a few that want to get married, again.

Being on my own, I’ve realized that it’s better to be alone than be unhappy and married. We loved each other, but I was married to someone, who didn’t give me the respect I wanted, who wasn’t attentive to my needs, who didn’t appreciate me and who didn’t know how to support me emotionally.

I’d rather be alone than with some guy, who I’m not in love with, who disrespects me and who I’m miserable with more than I’m happy. I’m not going to be with any guy just to be with someone.

The next guy I marry he will have all the qualities I’m looking for. I won’t lie to myself and say he’ll change. Every guy, I meet I’ll see them for who they are and not what I hope they will change into. I won’t settle.

I choose Happiness over having a Man in my life.

Being alone is not so bad. I’m content and happy being with Me, Myself and I.

How to be Single

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I just watched How to be Single and it was really funny, but I didn’t expect it to be serious. Dakota’s character struggled with figuring out who she was. She meets a guy, who is still grieving over the death of his wife. And, of course, Love is discussed in the movie in many different scenarios.

The whole time I was watching this movie I was thinking about being single.

I don’t mind being Single. It’s very peaceful. But it can get lonely.

Dating sucks. But I haven’t been on any dates, except, one and that was with the guy I dated almost six months ago. However, I have chatted with some guys and there was no spark with any of them. Yes, spark is possible just from texting and there wasn’t even a tingle with any of them.

With the guy I dated, there was crazy chemistry between us even before we physically met. After we met, sparks like fireworks ignited. We clicked and the desire for each other was so Hot.

I’m looking for that when I’m talking to a guy.

And or, maybe, I’m too focused on me, because I really have no desire to find Mr. Right at the moment.

But if Prince Charming were to come into my life and Love blossomed between us, I would ride the Love adventure and see where it takes me.

Girl Power: Guys are Just the Cherry on Top

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Let me explain…

If I had a daughter, I would tell her to focus on herself, her career and her life if she wants to be happy. And that Happiness is not going to be found by having some Man in her life. It’s up to her to complete her life and not depend on a Man to complete it.

Her life should be like a martini or if martinis aren’t your thing than a milkshake and the Man is the Cherry on top. By viewing life this way, she will already be fulfilled with her life, be happy and independent. When the right Man comes along he’ll add flavor to an already enriched life. She won’t rely on him to make her life more fulfilling, be her reason to be happy or be there to solely improve her life.

By having a martini or milkshake life, she can have a healthy relationship where the two of them can enjoy what each other bring to the table. They will be able to compliment each other. And, they won’t be co-dependent on one another.

I was raised to believe my goal in life should be to find a husband, get married and have kids and that was it. When I went to college one of my uncles asked me if I found a boyfriend and my response was I didn’t go to college to find a boy. He looked at me like I was some kinda alien and I knew he was wondering why I went to college…LOL.

Despite having the independent side and getting that my life should be like a martini, there was a part of me that was influenced by how I was raised. This could be one of the reasons my marriage failed. I depended on my ex too much. During my marriage, I kept trying to make my life a martini and, obviously, something went wrong during my pursuit for the career I desired and the happiness I searched for.

The other day I realized I really don’t want to be in a relationship right now, because when I would get on the dating sites there was constant conflict inside me about whether I wanted to date now. I kept telling myself I wanted to focus on my writing and my life.

Then it came to me. My life is not a Martini, yet, so I’m getting ahead of myself trying to find that Cherry.

Tyler Perry: Single Mom’s Club

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Watching Tyler Perry’s movie, Single Mom’s Club. I, always, like his movies.

I don’t have children and only have a nephew. The times I took care of him it stressed me out and wondered how moms kept their sanity…LOL.

Being a single mother is even harder, because they have to do it all by themselves. The fathers, who continue to take care of their children after a divorce, deserve to be appreciated for being dedicated to their kids.

Leaving the mother to raise their children on their own, it happens way too much. Raising kids is the hardest job and moms and dads need to be recognized for the hard work they do EVERY day.

Pain: Let Me Explain…

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I re-read my blogs over and over, well, I try to. Mainly, I re-read them to catch errors, because I write them when I’m so freakin tired that I know I can babble on and make no sense…LOL.

Well, I re-read my blog Moving On and I feel I need to add this blog. I stand by what I wrote in it, but I want to say that the guy I was dating was a really nice guy, a southern gentleman and he has a lot of good qualities as does my ex husband. Despite what I write about our relationship and how I felt or what happen in the relationships, the pain I express may make the guys sound like ogres, but their not. Some of their actions may be unattractive, but as a whole they are not terrible men.

I’ve been with terrible men and know that my ex and the guy I was dating are not terrible. Sure, they have flaws. Everyone has flaws. It was these flaws that caused things to end between us. The flaws that the guy I was dating and my ex have are not something I hold against him. The guy I was dating, I understand why he did the things he did, why he has the feelings he has about his marriage, why he pulled away and the baggage he has from his marriage. This understanding makes me forgive him.

Yes, I have pain from things not working out with the guy I was dating, but this is what happens when a relationship doesn’t workout. The pain does not equal a chip on my shoulder or wanting to get back at him, like, his ex treats pain.

I’m just trying to move on and express my feelings. This is one way to help me to move on.

Girl Power: Moving On…continued

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I guess I got over my writer’s block…lol.

This goes with my previous post Moving On and with The Seed’s for Life blog, A Letter to Anyone Who Seeks a Fulfilling Relationship. The failed relationship with the guy I was dating I am, also, guilty of it failing.

Ladies, we were either not taught or forgot the power we behold as women. And, we forget or have no self-worth. I was married for so long that I forgot my self-worth and the power I behold in dealing with a man.

We, as women, have all the control from the beginning of a relationship how a man is going to respect us. We decide when it’s time to meet the guy. During the date, we decide how this guy is going to respect us by what we allow him to do. If he is not the gentleman we seek or has the qualities we want, we decide if we want to continue the date. We decide if we want to go on a second date. We decide if we want to kiss the guy at the end of the date. We decide how far we let the guy go sexually. We set the boundaries to what is acceptable behavior, acceptable conversation and how men are going to respect us.

After being married for so long and not dating, I was a bit rusty at the dating game, but I picked up on things quick after my failed first time out in the field.

But during my first attempt at dating, I made some mistakes that The Seed’s for Life blog, A Letter to Anyone Who Seeks a Fulfilling Relationship blog points outOne, I became secure in my insecurities. My ex complained about everything about me and I let that affect me where I thought I was flawed. Who would want this flawed person that has so much baggage? Two, being a settler, yes, I was okay with being single, because I was afraid to let someone into my imperfect world. Three, Being someone that isn’t me, I kept quiet about things that bothered me when I was dating this guy, because of my ex telling me how negative, how opinionated, and how hostile I was.

What I know now, I let my ex’s complaining affect my self-worth and I forgot about the Great parts of me. After dating this guy, I realized it’s okay that I’m flawed and have baggage. I just need to find the right guy, who doesn’t criticize my flaws and baggage, but encourages and supports me. Taking the plunge and dating, I’m not afraid anymore to let someone into my imperfect world, because their world may be just as imperfect as mine. Lastly, from now on, I’m just going to be me and if the guy can’t handle it, well, the door swings both ways and there will be a guy out there that can deal with the DIVA me and my softer side.

So Ladies remember the Power within you, be yourself and know your self-worth.

Relationships: What I Want

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After my divorce and dating a guy, I decided I would only be with a guy if I was totally happy and he treated me like his Queen. I’ve spent most of my life unhappy and I sure as hell am not going to spend the rest of it miserable.

What I  want in my next marriage:

  1. Respect
  2. Honesty
  3. Trust, I can trust them and they trust me completely
  4. Faithful
  5. Love
  6. I’m the most important person in my man’s life
  7. Total Gentleman
  8. Great communication  (not constant arguing)
  9. Emotional support
  10. Understanding about who I am and able to put themselves in my shoes
  11. Affection and not just getting it in the bedroom
  12. No judgment
  13. Less criticism
  14. Productive Encouragement
  15. My partner is my best friend
  16. Happiness
  17. Views and treats me as his Queen
  18. If I give 100%, I expect the same from my partner
  19. Commitment and devotion
  20. Happily ever after forever with my King

Am I wanting a fairy tale? No, I know that marriage has its bumps and pains, but I want someone, who is going to love me, keep treating me like his Queen and everything else I listed when the shit gets rough in the marriage.

Moving On…

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I decided a few weeks ago to move on and let go of hoping this guy I was dating would want to be with me. I kept quiet about the break-up for a long time, because I was respecting his privacy, but now, I figure he doesn’t give a shit about me and he’s not going to read this post so what does it matter if I talk about my feelings.

He was the first guy I dated after my divorce and we clicked the first time we met. There was so much chemistry and I really liked him. He told me he wanted to be in a relationship with me and that he experienced the same chemistry between us, too.

But, when it came closer to him being transferred to Texas, I felt him pulling away. His attitude towards me changed and his behavior became less “into” me. After he was in Texas, I asked him if he wanted to stop seeing each other, because I could tell he was pulling away from me. He said to me that I was sabotaging the relationship. Thinking back about how he behaved, I feel he was the sabotager and wanted me to end things.

We were only together for four months, but I figured someone, who is 46 would have his shit together and know what he wants. But I was wrong. He behaved like the guys I encountered in my twenties and I think he was worse, because he was damaged from his previous marriage. He was scorned and everything I did only reminded him of his ex-wife, so I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t. I noticed his lack of trust and his questioning of things that sent red flags my way, but I didn’t confront him about it since we hadn’t known each other very long.

Despite my feelings for him, it was obvious that he was not ready for a relationship, because he hadn’t worked out all his baggage from his bad marriage. He wasn’t even aware of the fact that he needed to work that shit out. Crazy thing is, I was willing to work through his baggage with him, because I understood his pain.

Anyway, I keep telling myself to let him go and that he doesn’t give a shit about me. If he did he would be calling or texting me like he did when we met. I tell myself this everyday.

For a week now, I have been trying to get back in the game of dating. I’m talking to a couple guys, but my heart is half in it. There’s one guy I’m interested in, but like I said my heart is half in it and I keep thinking about the guy I was seeing, who doesn’t care about or deserve my time, my thoughts or my heart anymore.

Relationships: Communication

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I saw this quote and it pretty much sums up how a relationship falls apart. And if the communication is bad, the marriage crumbles, too.

If you’re in a marriage or a relationship, the two of you are fighting a lot or the only communication is fighting. It’s headed for divorce.

Several years, my ex and I fought. The arguing just increased and became worse with each passing year.

If you’re dating someone, the communication leads to fighting or the two of you aren’t communicating at all. The relationship will probably end soon.

If you’re wanting to get back with someone, one of you is not communicating with the person you dated. The guy/girl is not interested anymore.

So conclusion, pay attention to the communication going on between you and your partner or the guy/girl you want, because it’s a red flag. If it’s not good communication or one is not communicating at all, well, it’s time to fix it if you’re married or in a relationship. If you’re trying to get back with a guy/girl, it’s time to let go and move on.