Love, Trust and A Broken Heart

brokenheart

One of my friends wanted my advice about dating the other day.

She explained what was going on with her and asked me some questions. It made me think about my experiences with guys.

All of us have experienced falling in love and giving our trust to one person then have them shred our heart into a million little pieces. After our heart is broken, it’s hard to ever trust another person and let them into our heart.

I thought about my college boyfriend, who shredded my heart and made it hard for me to trust another guy. It was my ex, who I started dating after my college boyfriend, and how long it took me to trust and open my heart. Before I was able to trust and love, again, I made my ex pay for the pain, lies and cheating that my college boyfriend put me through.

It was after I was married to my ex I realized how wrong it was for making him deal with the wrath of what another man did to me.

And, I have been on the receiving end of one’s wrath, whose heart was broken and unable to trust due to what their ex did.

Trusting someone after your heart has been shattered, it’s hard. Why? Because pain sucks.

We don’t choose to feel pain. In fact, we avoid pain at any cost. Right?

But from everything I’ve experienced and all the pain I’ve endured, I’ve learned one can not escape pain. It’s part of life. So, one must deal with the pain. Feel it. Endure it. And, eventually, the pain will lessen.

It’s the only way to feel whole, again. To be able to live your life with no fear of letting someone into your heart after it’s been broken.

Advertisements

Fear

download

Fear may be the most powerful emotion we feel. I say this, because I was thinking how we fear death, failure, pain, the unknown, the future, and the list can be endless.

I have feared all the things I have just listed. There will be moments where I’m reminded of how fear keeps me from living and really what I fear isn’t something to be afraid of.

After watching my mother struggle with cancer and die, I know what we believe matters in life really doesn’t.  When facing death it’s then that we understand what’s really important.

It’s this understanding of what’s important that we need to grasp before death is knocking at our door.

Since my mother’s death, I have no fear of dying. But the living part, I’m still working on.

This is what I know now:

  1. Love with no limits and no strings.
  2. Pain doesn’t last forever.
  3. Failure helps us learn.
  4. Take the time to appreciate all the positives in our life.
  5. Live in the present and worry less about the future and the past has happened so let it go.
  6. Forgive, it benefits the forgiver.
  7. Learn from the pain and mistakes, but don’t let it define me.
  8. Do what makes me happy.
  9. Those Fantastic moments and Great opportunities in life, enjoy them to the fullest.
  10. Each day really can be a new beginning.

Sex: Being Single

lets-talk-about-sex_blog

Yes, I’m going to talk about S.E.X. and the dirty side of sex. It’s not what you’re thinking. I’m going to talk about what everyone wants to ignore, STDs. If you’re single and dating, STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) are a reality.

And because of STDs, this is why I didn’t have sex for three years after my divorce and why I choose celibacy over getting my freak on with every guy that is interested in me on Tinder.

I’m not going to lie three years without sex was not great. I was super busy so sex wasn’t on my mind much. And I’m not shy about touching myself so it wasn’t completely horrible. But what I miss more than sex is just being close to someone, touching, kissing, sharing my life with the guy I love and having that special person love me.

BUT being single, a girl has to be careful and take care of herself (guys need to take care of themselves, too). The fact is condoms protect guys way more than they protect girls so, ladies, we have to be even extra, extra cautious when it comes to sex.

Let’s face it the STDs we are scared of are HIV and Hepatitis C, because there’s no cure for these diseases. Sure, there’s medicine that can control the viruses, but I use to be a social worker and I worked with people living with HIV and Hep C and the meds are not miracle drugs. When a pill is created that gets rid of HIV and Hep C that will be a miracle drug.

So, I met a guy after my three years of no sex. We clicked, there was crazy chemistry and yes sex between us. I wasn’t, too, worried that I had caught anything from him. BUT, there was still that 1% of me that wondered.

I saw my gynecologist on Monday of this week and told her, I had sex with a guy so test me for everything. Sure, it’s scary to have the tests done, because the dreaded call that something came back positive could happen. I felt like Samantha, from Sex and the City, did when she went to get tested for STDs. However, I’d rather know if something is wrong than not know. Two days later, I got a call from my gynecologist that all tests came back negative. Wooohoooo!

It’s hard being single. Like any human, I love sex, but I like being healthy more than sex so I’m back to being celibate.


MySpace Tracker

Fear: Live, Love..Don’t Be Afraid

walking-into-the-sunset-copy

I read this blog, Advice from a Dying 24 Year Oldon MakeItUltra’s blog page. Read it. Take the time, read the blog, keep reading it and think about what this 24 year old is telling you.

What he says is what I experienced with my parents as they fought cancer and when they faced death. NOTHING matters when you’re dying. EXCEPT, love, happiness and living.

This 24 year old is right do what you love and that makes you happy. Work IS work if you don’t love what you do. You’re simply just collecting a paycheck.

Taking control of your life, this is YOUR LIFE. Live it the way you want, because when you’re facing death and you didn’t live it the way you wanted you’re sitting around regretting what you didn’t do.

My mother and father both had many regrets as they waited to die. And I watched my mother try to do the things she didn’t do for various reasons as the cancer ravaged her body. It was really sad to witness this and taught me to just live with no regrets.

However, it’s taken me awhile to live with no fear, to go after my dreams, to just do what I’ve been wanting to do (skydive, travel, etc.) and to open my heart. I spent a lot of time being afraid after my mother died and my divorce.

Then one day, I just said f*#k it and started living with no fear. I went back to working on my writing, making plans to jump out of a plane and I let another person into my life.

Going after my dream of being a published writer, it’s not easy. I’m always tired and don’t want to work on it, but I push myself to just do it. Because my dream can’t happen with my book just stored in my laptop.

If I found out I was dying tomorrow, I’d regret not doing the many things I want to do, like skydive. When I die I want no regrets or only a few. But if I have another fifty years to live then I’m going to do everything I want to do.

Despite opening my heart, the person didn’t want me, his behavior was cold and mean before and after moving away and I was really hurt. But I didn’t close my heart. I’m not letting the experience with him make me bitter or afraid to love someone. And to just forgive. Because I know if I close my heart, never forgive and I let past hurt keep me from letting someone into my life, I’ll never find love.

If you were told you would die tomorrow, think about it, because you could. You could get in your car and BOOM, car accident and die. What would you want to do before you died and have you lived your life where there would be no regrets?

Confession: Number Six

garfieldmad

It has been a day of testing my positive thinking. I got my panties in a wad over things and the bad mood came knocking at my door.

I have two Pet Peeves that try my patience and can instantly put me in a bad mood.

My day started off with a dentist appointment (first pet peeve) at 10 a.m. I’m, usually, not up before noon, so I slept for about five hours then had to get ready for my date with Dr. Pain (what I call the dentist).

I made sure I left with plenty of time to get to my appointment so I wasn’t adding to the stress I was already feeling, because I hate to see Dr. Pain. And, I knew I was going to get shot up with novocain, because I was having a filling replaced.

The interstate was a parking lot and every bad word flew out of my mouth, because now I was going to be late and I didn’t want to be late.

My other pet peeve, TRAFFIC. It drives me insane and I become a hostile driver. When I found out what was causing the hold up on the interstate I wanted to punch someone..lol. People had to slow down to stare at the car accident and cops. The accident was already moved to the side of the road, ambulance and fire trucks gone, and the cops were wrapping up the accident, so there was no need for the TRAFFIC.

I calmed down at Dr. Pain’s office, which is ironic that I would since I was anxious about getting the shot. But my dentist has T.V.s in every exam room, so I was distracted by HGTV and I like watching the before and after renovations…lol.

Positive Thinking: Just Do It

images (7).jpg

Fear keeps us from Living

  1. Be silly
  2. Speak your mind
  3. Go after your dreams
  4. Cry
  5. Make the first move
  6. Express your feelings
  7. Do something out of your comfort zone
  8. Pamper yourself
  9. Take a mental health day off
  10. Sing, dance, laugh
  11. Reconcile
  12. Say, I’m sorry
  13. Speak up for someone
  14. Speak up for yourself
  15. Enjoy the day when there’s a million other things that need to get done
  16. Face a fear
  17. Help someone
  18. Do something you’ve never done
  19. Live life like a child for a day
  20. Love with all your heart, even, when it’s been broke

Love: It’s Risky

images (7)

All of us want to experience love, find love and be loved.

However, when our heart gets broken we fear love, but still want love.

So, we build this wall around our heart and believe if we are super cautious then it won’t get hurt ever again.

Now, we think we have our heart protected and we go out in search for the love we crave.

But, reality is we fear love, because of the past hurt from the one who crushed our heart into a million little pieces.

So, our search for love is clouded with the past that affects our present and love isn’t found, because we don’t allow it in.

We end up doubting it, pushing it away and hurt the one, who wants to give us the love we so very much want.

Love is risky. Love hurts. But, unless, we deal with the past and the one that hurt us then leave the past in the past, take the leap and embrace the risk, we will never have the love we want.

Change

images (5)

Every now and then, I think about moving and shaking things up by exploring a new place.

When I was younger change use to scare me, but the fear didn’t stop me from stepping out of my comfort zone and seeing what would happen.

I’ve, always, had to deal with HUGE life obstacles, so I guess I don’t see a problem with a dramatic change in my life.

But view it as an adventure.

Confession: Number Four

download.jpg

I hate parking garages. Why? They freak me out and I find them scary.

They’re enclosed and so many floors. I feel it’s easy to be attacked by some perverted guy in them, because it would be hard to escape.

It’s easy for me to get lost and I always forget where I parked my vehicle in them.

That’s why I didn’t get my parking at work changed for a long time. But I’ve been kicked out of the emergency parking lot and banished to the dreaded parking garage.