Love, Trust and A Broken Heart

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One of my friends wanted my advice about dating the other day.

She explained what was going on with her and asked me some questions. It made me think about my experiences with guys.

All of us have experienced falling in love and giving our trust to one person then have them shred our heart into a million little pieces. After our heart is broken, it’s hard to ever trust another person and let them into our heart.

I thought about my college boyfriend, who shredded my heart and made it hard for me to trust another guy. It was my ex, who I started dating after my college boyfriend, and how long it took me to trust and open my heart. Before I was able to trust and love, again, I made my ex pay for the pain, lies and cheating that my college boyfriend put me through.

It was after I was married to my ex I realized how wrong it was for making him deal with the wrath of what another man did to me.

And, I have been on the receiving end of one’s wrath, whose heart was broken and unable to trust due to what their ex did.

Trusting someone after your heart has been shattered, it’s hard. Why? Because pain sucks.

We don’t choose to feel pain. In fact, we avoid pain at any cost. Right?

But from everything I’ve experienced and all the pain I’ve endured, I’ve learned one can not escape pain. It’s part of life. So, one must deal with the pain. Feel it. Endure it. And, eventually, the pain will lessen.

It’s the only way to feel whole, again. To be able to live your life with no fear of letting someone into your heart after it’s been broken.

Marriage: Forever Til Death Do Us Part

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I was reading this book about relationships and I came across this passage, “There’s a common misconception that when a relationship ends, it must be someone’s fault..But what if you both simply lacked the knowledge you needed at that time to build a great partnership? Or what if you were mismatched from the get-go? Or what if that particular relationship was meant to be a learning, rather than a lasting, experience?”

We’ve been taught from probably the beginning of time that marriage is forever. Divorce should not be an option.

But divorce does happen.

And, we’ve been taught to feel like we’ve failed when our marriages end. We blamed our mate and ourselves for the divorce. The blaming made us feel like shit and made us wonder what the hell was wrong with us as a person.

But what if we stopped blaming and feeling like we failed and just learn from the marriage?

If we focused on what we learned from the marriage, would the divorce rate for our second marriages decrease?

Me, Myself and I

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I read Savingshards blog, Better Alone. Or Not. It made me think about my marriage and ex. There were moments I wondered if I shouldn’t have left then I remember how I feel when I’m around my ex.

This past Monday my ex and I took our pups hiking. We can do things together and not kill each other…LOL. However, we get on each other’s nerves every time we are together. Why? Because, all the things that annoyed us about each other really aggravate us now that we are not married. Ironically, during the hike, we talked about how we piss each other off.

Some of our friends wonder how we can be civil to one another and be friends. We get along, because we choose to be this way. Getting along, this does not equal that we are BFFs. Also, I don’t feel it’s necessary to be a Bitch or mean to my ex. I think that behavior is juvenile and I’d rather be positive when there’s so much negative in the world.

During the hike, my ex asked me if I was seeing anyone. I told him I hadn’t found anyone that had the qualities I’m looking for. My ex told me I shouldn’t be so picky and that guys, who have been married and older, there are only a few that want to get married, again.

Being on my own, I’ve realized that it’s better to be alone than be unhappy and married. We loved each other, but I was married to someone, who didn’t give me the respect I wanted, who wasn’t attentive to my needs, who didn’t appreciate me and who didn’t know how to support me emotionally.

I’d rather be alone than with some guy, who I’m not in love with, who disrespects me and who I’m miserable with more than I’m happy. I’m not going to be with any guy just to be with someone.

The next guy I marry he will have all the qualities I’m looking for. I won’t lie to myself and say he’ll change. Every guy, I meet I’ll see them for who they are and not what I hope they will change into. I won’t settle.

I choose Happiness over having a Man in my life.

Being alone is not so bad. I’m content and happy being with Me, Myself and I.

Life Moments

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Often, I’m in my head thinking about life and what has happened, figuring out what I’m supposed to understand and if I’m at a crossroads.

I think all of us experience moments in life where we need to stop, think and figure out the moment we find ourselves in.

Many times I’ve experiened these moments. Some were not so big and others were life changing. But I learned something from each one.

When my dad was at the end stages of his cancer a part of me knew I was in a life moment. But, I let my fears and the conflict between my father and me get in the way of embracing that moment. I never told my dad I loved him and I didn’t try to resolve the conflict between us before he died. And, I regretted this.

I was in school when my mom found out she had lung cancer. Another life moment. These life moments don’t always happen at convenient times nor at times when we feel ready for them. They make their appearance and we can embrace them or ignore them.

Also, my ex and I were in Disney World on our honeymoon when I got the call my mother was in the Emergency room and she had cancer. We packed our bags and flew to Iowa.

As I sat there in the hospital with mom, a feeling came over me and I knew my time with her was going to end soon. So, I didn’t go back to graduate school, stayed in Iowa and I took care of her.

I spent what time my mother had left with her and made sure I had no regrets. I shared thoughts and feelings about my life with her, I tried to be there for her and I shared her last life moments with my mother.

When she died I had no regrets, but life memories that would help me later in life.

I find myself in another life moment as I write this. From what I’ve learned from past life moments, I know to just embrace this moment with no fear amd see where it takes me.

Love Unconditionally

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I’ve been fortunate to experience being in love and being loved. It’s really sad if one has never experienced being loved. I think of all the kids living in orphanages waiting for a family and waiting for someone to love them.

This could have been me. I started my life in an orphanage. But, I was One of the Lucky ones to be adopted and adopted by people, who geniunely loved me like their own.

It’s because of my parents that I feel loved and know how to love.

Now, the title of this blog, Love Unconditionally, I want all of you to think about whether you have loved someone where your heart felt full of kindess, understanding, caring and desire for someone. And, you expected nothing in return.

I had this feeling last night about someone.

Love is in my heart for him. And, I expect nothing from him. Sure, I desire him to love me back, but I understand this may never happen. And, I’m ok with it.

Why?

Because, what I know now is loving unconditionally means just love. Feel what’s in your heart. Don’t love so you can get love back, because it’s not guaranteed that loving someone that they will love you.

Loving unconditionally with no expectations, it leaves me peaceful inside and I feel good just caring and sharing my love.

Fear

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Fear may be the most powerful emotion we feel. I say this, because I was thinking how we fear death, failure, pain, the unknown, the future, and the list can be endless.

I have feared all the things I have just listed. There will be moments where I’m reminded of how fear keeps me from living and really what I fear isn’t something to be afraid of.

After watching my mother struggle with cancer and die, I know what we believe matters in life really doesn’t.  When facing death it’s then that we understand what’s really important.

It’s this understanding of what’s important that we need to grasp before death is knocking at our door.

Since my mother’s death, I have no fear of dying. But the living part, I’m still working on.

This is what I know now:

  1. Love with no limits and no strings.
  2. Pain doesn’t last forever.
  3. Failure helps us learn.
  4. Take the time to appreciate all the positives in our life.
  5. Live in the present and worry less about the future and the past has happened so let it go.
  6. Forgive, it benefits the forgiver.
  7. Learn from the pain and mistakes, but don’t let it define me.
  8. Do what makes me happy.
  9. Those Fantastic moments and Great opportunities in life, enjoy them to the fullest.
  10. Each day really can be a new beginning.

Graveyard Shift

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I’ve worked the graveyard shift for six years. Two years ago, I was tired of working the shift and was able to change my shift to a mid-day one, which is perfect for me. But then I was offered a job in a department I wanted to change to and went back to working graves.

The other day, I decided I’m really done working the grave shift and tired of being tired all the time. Yesterday, I slept pretty much the entire day after working three 12 hour graves in a row. I have two days off then go back and work two days.

I applied for a position in a different department where the hours are 11:00 A.M. to 11:30 P.M., which is perfect. I’m hoping I get the position so I can have normal work hours and my weekends off.

Random Question: Number Thirteen

Powerball

Ya ever wonder, why some people win the lottery jackpot and some people don’t?

My grandma played the Powerball every drawing. She passed away a long time ago, but I remember her, always, getting lottery tickets. My grandparents were poor and struggled with money. The rest of the family helped my grandparents and we would get my grandma lottery tickets, because we knew how much she wanted to win.

She never won.

Grandma was the sweetest lady and always baking. She was deserving of a lottery jackpot win and I’m sure she would have baked even more with all that money.

I was wondering today why some people win the lottery and why didn’t my grandma win. Some people, who won tons of money, wasted it or let it ruin their life. When the Powerball jackpot was in the billions and one winner overdosed on cocaine from partying after winning the money.

There was this show about lottery winners and I thought what a waste when one winner showed all the “stuff” he bought with the money. He ended up filing bankruptcy and spending all the money.

Winning millions of dollars, there’s plenty to keep a person comfortable for the rest of their life. Does one really need $50,000 statues?

If I won, yes, I would go on a shopping spree. And, I’ll admit it I would buy a fast car, like a Bugatti, because I’m daring and like speed…LOL. But, I would invest a certain amount of money to make sure I could live comfortably the rest of my life. However, millions of dollars doesn’t need to be wasted on frivilous stuff when there’s so many things that the money could be used for to help the less fortunate.

I would create a santuary or some kind of non-profit that saved dogs. Pups are closest to my heart, so I would take advantage of having all that money and help dogs, who need assistance and a home.

Every lottery winner should spend some of their winnings helping the less fortunate. I mean wouldn’t that be paying it forward for their good fortune?

Positive Thinking: What’s Been Great

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I know it’s been awhile since I posted a Positive Thinking post, but every day I try to keep my focus on the good things that happen throughout the day.

  1. One of my dogs, Zeus, had surgery to remove one of his toes and that surgery went well. His foot where the toe was taken has healed and with the toe removed he’s not in pain when we go one walks.
  2. News on Zeus’ toe that was removed. The bone did have a cancerous tumor, but it’s not a cancer that spreads. So, Zeus is cancer-free, as far as, we know, but the Vet was confident the toe removal took care of the cancer.
  3. I’ve been taking time to enjoy my days off instead of always working on something. For a few hours every day off, I’ll take the time to watch a movie or hang with friends or read a book, etc. I get focused on things and work, work, work non-stop until I burn myself out, so I’m trying to balance my life.
  4. I watched Ride Along 2.
  5. Went to Happy Hour with a friend.
  6. Learning copywriting.
  7. Brushing up on SEO, which has changed and from what I read is always changing.
  8. I paid my license plates renewal a month early. This is great, because I, usually, am paying it during the grace period month…LOL.
  9. Watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2.
  10. My sister’s generosity has no limits even when she can’t afford to be generous. She gets it from my father. They both want to, always, help family.

Life: We Take it for Granted

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I’ll never understand how one can kill another living being.

With all the violence happening recently and in the past (Alton Sterling, Louisiana,  Orlando, France, 911 and the list seems endless), one must question does anyone value life?

The lives lost that don’t make the news from child abuse, gang shootings, sex trafficking, dog fighting, child labor and the many other dark acts of the souless should not exist. BUT, they do.

How does one lose compassion or never have it?

Tragedies and loss could be the reason for the loss of compassion,  but I feel it’s a choice the person has made to have no compassion and choose to hate, to harm and to not value life.

I’ve had tragedy and loss. I could have chosen a very different and dark life, drug addiction, suicide, victim, etc. I understand the pain from tragedy and loss. But, I never allowed myself to lose compassion.

What will it take to change the part of the world that is void of compassion?

Us, who value life and whose hearts are not closed to love, to being kind, open to understanding and want change, we will need to infect compassion into the compassionless world.