Love, Trust and A Broken Heart

brokenheart

One of my friends wanted my advice about dating the other day.

She explained what was going on with her and asked me some questions. It made me think about my experiences with guys.

All of us have experienced falling in love and giving our trust to one person then have them shred our heart into a million little pieces. After our heart is broken, it’s hard to ever trust another person and let them into our heart.

I thought about my college boyfriend, who shredded my heart and made it hard for me to trust another guy. It was my ex, who I started dating after my college boyfriend, and how long it took me to trust and open my heart. Before I was able to trust and love, again, I made my ex pay for the pain, lies and cheating that my college boyfriend put me through.

It was after I was married to my ex I realized how wrong it was for making him deal with the wrath of what another man did to me.

And, I have been on the receiving end of one’s wrath, whose heart was broken and unable to trust due to what their ex did.

Trusting someone after your heart has been shattered, it’s hard. Why? Because pain sucks.

We don’t choose to feel pain. In fact, we avoid pain at any cost. Right?

But from everything I’ve experienced and all the pain I’ve endured, I’ve learned one can not escape pain. It’s part of life. So, one must deal with the pain. Feel it. Endure it. And, eventually, the pain will lessen.

It’s the only way to feel whole, again. To be able to live your life with no fear of letting someone into your heart after it’s been broken.

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Scammers: Tinder

scammers

I’m sharing this to warn those on dating sites hoping to find the love of their life. While on Tinder, I happen to run into one of these scammers that pose as an active duty U.S. military soldier. Their goal is to scam money making you believe that they are in love with you and want to get married.

As I was chatting with this guy, he told me he was in Africa. Red Flag number one. I wondered why was he in Africa. Wouldn’t he be in Afghanistan or Syria, where the U.S. are now? After chatting for a few days, the dude tells me he’s in love with me. Red Flag number two. I believe in love and love can happen in a short time, like six months, but not two days. He told me he could take leave for a couple weeks to a month. Red Flag number three. This didn’t sound right to me, because I dated a guy in the Air Force and I didn’t recall him telling me he could take leave when he was deployed.

So, I looked this up on Google about military taking leave during deployment. An article about these scammers was one of the top search sites to appear. As I read the article, the tips about these scammers was what this guy was doing with me.

I continued talking to this guy (texting back and forth on our phones) until he revealed how they get the money from unsuspecting females looking for love. They tell females they will take leave and tell their commanding officer they want leave to get married. He told me I had to write a letter to his commanding officer requesting he take leave and my desire to marry him. The scammer explained his commanding officer would contact me and ask for money to cover his absence, cost to come home, etc. As soon as, I had this information I stopped talking to him.

This other person texts me wanting to know why I stopped talking to this guy and the guy kept texting me wanting to know why I wasn’t talking to him. Being me, I told them to stop texting me and I knew their scam. Silence from both of them after I sent that text.

After I found out about these scammers, I get on Tinder searching for these fake military profiles. I chat with them until I know for sure they are scammers then report them. It doesn’t take long, because they ask the same questions, they can’t speak English very well and some of them I don’t think they can read English, and they are always deployed to Kabul, Syria or Africa.

Out of all the military guys I’ve matched with on Tinder and it’s a lot, there were 2, who were actually real military guys based here in Colorado. The rest (I’d say 30) who I’ve talked to have been fake accounts. I’ll keep going on Tinder and matching with these military guys to expose that they are scammers, because I think it’s horrible what they are doing.

My dad served in the Army, I have family members, who were in the military, and my ex his grandfathers fought in World War II and the Korean War, so I know the sacrifices our military deal with by serving our country. It’s shitty how these scammers are preying on women and probably men, too, using their hope in finding love to rob them of money.

These scammers need to GET A JOB!

Marriage: Forever Til Death Do Us Part

marriage

I was reading this book about relationships and I came across this passage, “There’s a common misconception that when a relationship ends, it must be someone’s fault..But what if you both simply lacked the knowledge you needed at that time to build a great partnership? Or what if you were mismatched from the get-go? Or what if that particular relationship was meant to be a learning, rather than a lasting, experience?”

We’ve been taught from probably the beginning of time that marriage is forever. Divorce should not be an option.

But divorce does happen.

And, we’ve been taught to feel like we’ve failed when our marriages end. We blamed our mate and ourselves for the divorce. The blaming made us feel like shit and made us wonder what the hell was wrong with us as a person.

But what if we stopped blaming and feeling like we failed and just learn from the marriage?

If we focused on what we learned from the marriage, would the divorce rate for our second marriages decrease?

Love Unconditionally

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I’ve been fortunate to experience being in love and being loved. It’s really sad if one has never experienced being loved. I think of all the kids living in orphanages waiting for a family and waiting for someone to love them.

This could have been me. I started my life in an orphanage. But, I was One of the Lucky ones to be adopted and adopted by people, who geniunely loved me like their own.

It’s because of my parents that I feel loved and know how to love.

Now, the title of this blog, Love Unconditionally, I want all of you to think about whether you have loved someone where your heart felt full of kindess, understanding, caring and desire for someone. And, you expected nothing in return.

I had this feeling last night about someone.

Love is in my heart for him. And, I expect nothing from him. Sure, I desire him to love me back, but I understand this may never happen. And, I’m ok with it.

Why?

Because, what I know now is loving unconditionally means just love. Feel what’s in your heart. Don’t love so you can get love back, because it’s not guaranteed that loving someone that they will love you.

Loving unconditionally with no expectations, it leaves me peaceful inside and I feel good just caring and sharing my love.

How to be Single

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I just watched How to be Single and it was really funny, but I didn’t expect it to be serious. Dakota’s character struggled with figuring out who she was. She meets a guy, who is still grieving over the death of his wife. And, of course, Love is discussed in the movie in many different scenarios.

The whole time I was watching this movie I was thinking about being single.

I don’t mind being Single. It’s very peaceful. But it can get lonely.

Dating sucks. But I haven’t been on any dates, except, one and that was with the guy I dated almost six months ago. However, I have chatted with some guys and there was no spark with any of them. Yes, spark is possible just from texting and there wasn’t even a tingle with any of them.

With the guy I dated, there was crazy chemistry between us even before we physically met. After we met, sparks like fireworks ignited. We clicked and the desire for each other was so Hot.

I’m looking for that when I’m talking to a guy.

And or, maybe, I’m too focused on me, because I really have no desire to find Mr. Right at the moment.

But if Prince Charming were to come into my life and Love blossomed between us, I would ride the Love adventure and see where it takes me.

Girl Power: Guys are Just the Cherry on Top

martinicherry

Let me explain…

If I had a daughter, I would tell her to focus on herself, her career and her life if she wants to be happy. And that Happiness is not going to be found by having some Man in her life. It’s up to her to complete her life and not depend on a Man to complete it.

Her life should be like a martini or if martinis aren’t your thing than a milkshake and the Man is the Cherry on top. By viewing life this way, she will already be fulfilled with her life, be happy and independent. When the right Man comes along he’ll add flavor to an already enriched life. She won’t rely on him to make her life more fulfilling, be her reason to be happy or be there to solely improve her life.

By having a martini or milkshake life, she can have a healthy relationship where the two of them can enjoy what each other bring to the table. They will be able to compliment each other. And, they won’t be co-dependent on one another.

I was raised to believe my goal in life should be to find a husband, get married and have kids and that was it. When I went to college one of my uncles asked me if I found a boyfriend and my response was I didn’t go to college to find a boy. He looked at me like I was some kinda alien and I knew he was wondering why I went to college…LOL.

Despite having the independent side and getting that my life should be like a martini, there was a part of me that was influenced by how I was raised. This could be one of the reasons my marriage failed. I depended on my ex too much. During my marriage, I kept trying to make my life a martini and, obviously, something went wrong during my pursuit for the career I desired and the happiness I searched for.

The other day I realized I really don’t want to be in a relationship right now, because when I would get on the dating sites there was constant conflict inside me about whether I wanted to date now. I kept telling myself I wanted to focus on my writing and my life.

Then it came to me. My life is not a Martini, yet, so I’m getting ahead of myself trying to find that Cherry.

Life, Death and Regrets

Communication-apart

Today, my heart is heavy and the spark to do anything just wasn’t there. In the early evening, it dawned on me that I was depressed. I thought about my dad and my regret that I never told him how I felt before he died.

My relationship with my father was not the best. We conflicted with each other, my temper I learned from him and he taught me to be like a guy and not show emotion, unless it was anger. It’s because of him that I don’t cry and feel I’m showing weakness when the tears escape my control.

All day, I’ve struggled with my feelings and if I should express them. If I don’t express them, will this be another regret that I will have? I’ve debated whether I should write this blog and at one point I thought I should, because, maybe, there’s someone out there, who has dealt with what I’m dealing with now and can give me insight on what to do.

A big part of me just feels like I should just take the risk and express how I feel. I mean what do I have to lose and I already know that hurt heals. And, I know I would regret not saying how I feel if something bad were to happen.

The guy I was dating told me last night that he is going to be deployed. He’s in the Air Force and when he told me about the deployment I, immediately, told him I wanted to see him before he left.

It’s been five months since we went our separate ways. There’s been little communication between us and when we have communicated it seemed to push us further away from each other. I’ve tried to get over him and move on, but I haven’t been able to stop feeling the way I do for him.

Before we parted ways, I told him how I felt. I wanted to be with only him and I really liked him. It seemed like expressing my feelings was a mistake, because he told me he wasn’t feeling it and there was no future between us. He wanted to continue things between us, but I didn’t see the point when he told me his feelings were not growing for me, we had no future together and to continue things between us, I would just be his fuck toy and feel used.

I’ve tried to meet someone else. I’ve chatted with guys, but my heart was never in it. Some of the guys, they were really HOT and I would have been very interested in them, IF, I wasn’t still wanting the guy I dated.

How he feels towards me, now? I have no idea. When I expressed that I still missed him and wished he wasn’t in Texas, his response was, “Awwe, thanks.” Does this mean he has no feelings for me or is he just being a guy and keeping his feelings in check?

All day, I’ve struggled with should I tell him how I feel or just remain quiet. Part of me fears that if I tell him how I feel he’ll push me away, again, like he did before when I told him how I felt. The other part of me knows if he were to die during his deployment I would regret not telling him how I felt.

Positive Thinking: What is Great About this Guy

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I was thinking about the guy I was dating and when a person is hurt, it’s easy to think negatively about the person, who hurt you. My ex has many negative views about me. This probably helps ease the pain of our marriage failing.

After thinking about the guy I was dating, I thought I have the power to Choose to focus on his positive qualities. What makes him a good guy?

  1. He’s a gentleman.
  2. He’s funny.
  3. He’s a devoted father to his kids that he loves very much.
  4. He’s super smart.
  5. He’s kind.
  6. He’s considerate.
  7. He’s appreciative.
  8. He’s adventurous.
  9. He’s dedicated.
  10. He’s brave.

And if we had more time together to get to know each other better, I’m sure I could come up with more of his awesome qualities.

Sure, I’m still hurting from things not working out between us. But, I realized, today, I can choose to hurt and think negatively, like my ex does with me most of the time or think positive. I’m choosing to think positive, remember what a great guy he is and remember the good times between us.

Because negative thinking only hurts me and makes me a bitter woman, which really doesn’t accomplish anything.

Pain: Let Me Explain…

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I re-read my blogs over and over, well, I try to. Mainly, I re-read them to catch errors, because I write them when I’m so freakin tired that I know I can babble on and make no sense…LOL.

Well, I re-read my blog Moving On and I feel I need to add this blog. I stand by what I wrote in it, but I want to say that the guy I was dating was a really nice guy, a southern gentleman and he has a lot of good qualities as does my ex husband. Despite what I write about our relationship and how I felt or what happen in the relationships, the pain I express may make the guys sound like ogres, but their not. Some of their actions may be unattractive, but as a whole they are not terrible men.

I’ve been with terrible men and know that my ex and the guy I was dating are not terrible. Sure, they have flaws. Everyone has flaws. It was these flaws that caused things to end between us. The flaws that the guy I was dating and my ex have are not something I hold against him. The guy I was dating, I understand why he did the things he did, why he has the feelings he has about his marriage, why he pulled away and the baggage he has from his marriage. This understanding makes me forgive him.

Yes, I have pain from things not working out with the guy I was dating, but this is what happens when a relationship doesn’t workout. The pain does not equal a chip on my shoulder or wanting to get back at him, like, his ex treats pain.

I’m just trying to move on and express my feelings. This is one way to help me to move on.

Girl Power: Moving On…continued

know-your-self-worth

I guess I got over my writer’s block…lol.

This goes with my previous post Moving On and with The Seed’s for Life blog, A Letter to Anyone Who Seeks a Fulfilling Relationship. The failed relationship with the guy I was dating I am, also, guilty of it failing.

Ladies, we were either not taught or forgot the power we behold as women. And, we forget or have no self-worth. I was married for so long that I forgot my self-worth and the power I behold in dealing with a man.

We, as women, have all the control from the beginning of a relationship how a man is going to respect us. We decide when it’s time to meet the guy. During the date, we decide how this guy is going to respect us by what we allow him to do. If he is not the gentleman we seek or has the qualities we want, we decide if we want to continue the date. We decide if we want to go on a second date. We decide if we want to kiss the guy at the end of the date. We decide how far we let the guy go sexually. We set the boundaries to what is acceptable behavior, acceptable conversation and how men are going to respect us.

After being married for so long and not dating, I was a bit rusty at the dating game, but I picked up on things quick after my failed first time out in the field.

But during my first attempt at dating, I made some mistakes that The Seed’s for Life blog, A Letter to Anyone Who Seeks a Fulfilling Relationship blog points outOne, I became secure in my insecurities. My ex complained about everything about me and I let that affect me where I thought I was flawed. Who would want this flawed person that has so much baggage? Two, being a settler, yes, I was okay with being single, because I was afraid to let someone into my imperfect world. Three, Being someone that isn’t me, I kept quiet about things that bothered me when I was dating this guy, because of my ex telling me how negative, how opinionated, and how hostile I was.

What I know now, I let my ex’s complaining affect my self-worth and I forgot about the Great parts of me. After dating this guy, I realized it’s okay that I’m flawed and have baggage. I just need to find the right guy, who doesn’t criticize my flaws and baggage, but encourages and supports me. Taking the plunge and dating, I’m not afraid anymore to let someone into my imperfect world, because their world may be just as imperfect as mine. Lastly, from now on, I’m just going to be me and if the guy can’t handle it, well, the door swings both ways and there will be a guy out there that can deal with the DIVA me and my softer side.

So Ladies remember the Power within you, be yourself and know your self-worth.