Love, Trust and A Broken Heart

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One of my friends wanted my advice about dating the other day.

She explained what was going on with her and asked me some questions. It made me think about my experiences with guys.

All of us have experienced falling in love and giving our trust to one person then have them shred our heart into a million little pieces. After our heart is broken, it’s hard to ever trust another person and let them into our heart.

I thought about my college boyfriend, who shredded my heart and made it hard for me to trust another guy. It was my ex, who I started dating after my college boyfriend, and how long it took me to trust and open my heart. Before I was able to trust and love, again, I made my ex pay for the pain, lies and cheating that my college boyfriend put me through.

It was after I was married to my ex I realized how wrong it was for making him deal with the wrath of what another man did to me.

And, I have been on the receiving end of one’s wrath, whose heart was broken and unable to trust due to what their ex did.

Trusting someone after your heart has been shattered, it’s hard. Why? Because pain sucks.

We don’t choose to feel pain. In fact, we avoid pain at any cost. Right?

But from everything I’ve experienced and all the pain I’ve endured, I’ve learned one can not escape pain. It’s part of life. So, one must deal with the pain. Feel it. Endure it. And, eventually, the pain will lessen.

It’s the only way to feel whole, again. To be able to live your life with no fear of letting someone into your heart after it’s been broken.

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Marriage: Forever Til Death Do Us Part

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I was reading this book about relationships and I came across this passage, “There’s a common misconception that when a relationship ends, it must be someone’s fault..But what if you both simply lacked the knowledge you needed at that time to build a great partnership? Or what if you were mismatched from the get-go? Or what if that particular relationship was meant to be a learning, rather than a lasting, experience?”

We’ve been taught from probably the beginning of time that marriage is forever. Divorce should not be an option.

But divorce does happen.

And, we’ve been taught to feel like we’ve failed when our marriages end. We blamed our mate and ourselves for the divorce. The blaming made us feel like shit and made us wonder what the hell was wrong with us as a person.

But what if we stopped blaming and feeling like we failed and just learn from the marriage?

If we focused on what we learned from the marriage, would the divorce rate for our second marriages decrease?

Life Moments

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Often, I’m in my head thinking about life and what has happened, figuring out what I’m supposed to understand and if I’m at a crossroads.

I think all of us experience moments in life where we need to stop, think and figure out the moment we find ourselves in.

Many times I’ve experiened these moments. Some were not so big and others were life changing. But I learned something from each one.

When my dad was at the end stages of his cancer a part of me knew I was in a life moment. But, I let my fears and the conflict between my father and me get in the way of embracing that moment. I never told my dad I loved him and I didn’t try to resolve the conflict between us before he died. And, I regretted this.

I was in school when my mom found out she had lung cancer. Another life moment. These life moments don’t always happen at convenient times nor at times when we feel ready for them. They make their appearance and we can embrace them or ignore them.

Also, my ex and I were in Disney World on our honeymoon when I got the call my mother was in the Emergency room and she had cancer. We packed our bags and flew to Iowa.

As I sat there in the hospital with mom, a feeling came over me and I knew my time with her was going to end soon. So, I didn’t go back to graduate school, stayed in Iowa and I took care of her.

I spent what time my mother had left with her and made sure I had no regrets. I shared thoughts and feelings about my life with her, I tried to be there for her and I shared her last life moments with my mother.

When she died I had no regrets, but life memories that would help me later in life.

I find myself in another life moment as I write this. From what I’ve learned from past life moments, I know to just embrace this moment with no fear amd see where it takes me.

Fear

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Fear may be the most powerful emotion we feel. I say this, because I was thinking how we fear death, failure, pain, the unknown, the future, and the list can be endless.

I have feared all the things I have just listed. There will be moments where I’m reminded of how fear keeps me from living and really what I fear isn’t something to be afraid of.

After watching my mother struggle with cancer and die, I know what we believe matters in life really doesn’t.  When facing death it’s then that we understand what’s really important.

It’s this understanding of what’s important that we need to grasp before death is knocking at our door.

Since my mother’s death, I have no fear of dying. But the living part, I’m still working on.

This is what I know now:

  1. Love with no limits and no strings.
  2. Pain doesn’t last forever.
  3. Failure helps us learn.
  4. Take the time to appreciate all the positives in our life.
  5. Live in the present and worry less about the future and the past has happened so let it go.
  6. Forgive, it benefits the forgiver.
  7. Learn from the pain and mistakes, but don’t let it define me.
  8. Do what makes me happy.
  9. Those Fantastic moments and Great opportunities in life, enjoy them to the fullest.
  10. Each day really can be a new beginning.

Positive Thinking: What Has Been Great

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Despite how my day started with the PIG, who thought it was ok to say sexual things to me, I thought a Positive Thinking post was in order.

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  1. My pups always make my days brighter and give me peace of mind knowing they will rip someone’s leg off if they try to hurt me.

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2. The Soda Bottles that are half the size than the regular ones. Whoever invented these soda bottles is a genius and perfect for me, because I can never finish a full size one.

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3. Friends, because they make life better and fun, and one of my friends this week was so sweet.

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4. I discovered the buttermilk chicken sandwich at McDonalds the other day and it’s Yum, Yum, Yummy.

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5. I watched Independence Day and it’s still a Great movie. It has been a long time since I’ve seen it.

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6. Snapchat face changer, it allows me to share my silly side and start my day with a laugh.

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7. I interrupted my procrastination and worked on my query letter and synopsis so I can solicite literary agents.

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8. Nutribiotic all natural nose spray, I’ve gone through the worst part of allergy season without getting sick so far.

9. I found out these movies, I’ve been wanting to see, will be available at Redbox soon. I live a very uneventful life and don’t do much…LOL.

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10. Ice Cream, my summer treat that I eat a lot of only when it’s hot out. Some of my favorite places to get ice cream McDonalds, Dairy Queen, Liks and Sonic.

What positive things have been happening for my fellow bloggers?

Positive Thinking: What’s Been Great

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I know it’s been awhile since I posted a Positive Thinking post, but every day I try to keep my focus on the good things that happen throughout the day.

  1. One of my dogs, Zeus, had surgery to remove one of his toes and that surgery went well. His foot where the toe was taken has healed and with the toe removed he’s not in pain when we go one walks.
  2. News on Zeus’ toe that was removed. The bone did have a cancerous tumor, but it’s not a cancer that spreads. So, Zeus is cancer-free, as far as, we know, but the Vet was confident the toe removal took care of the cancer.
  3. I’ve been taking time to enjoy my days off instead of always working on something. For a few hours every day off, I’ll take the time to watch a movie or hang with friends or read a book, etc. I get focused on things and work, work, work non-stop until I burn myself out, so I’m trying to balance my life.
  4. I watched Ride Along 2.
  5. Went to Happy Hour with a friend.
  6. Learning copywriting.
  7. Brushing up on SEO, which has changed and from what I read is always changing.
  8. I paid my license plates renewal a month early. This is great, because I, usually, am paying it during the grace period month…LOL.
  9. Watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2.
  10. My sister’s generosity has no limits even when she can’t afford to be generous. She gets it from my father. They both want to, always, help family.

Motivation

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First, I have to say I’m a Michael Jordan fan. When he was with the Chicago Bulls I didn’t watch basketball or any sports that much. But when the Bulls were in the NBA Finals, I watched the games and was in awe of Jordan. When I saw this quote by him I thought it’s the perfect one for this blog.

I’m having one of those days where I’m not motivated to do anything, but stare at the TV in bed. Why? I have no idea. It could be due to being tired. I woke up after sleeping six hours for the second day in a row. I ate breakfast and decided to go back to sleep, because I couldn’t put two thoughts together. Since I was useless, I figured I needed sleep.

After a couple more hours of sleep, I woke up feeling like a slug. Despite wanting to just lay in bed all day, I forced myself to get up, because I still had to take care of my pups. This is why it’s Great to have dogs, because when I was really depressed several years ago my pups kept me going.

Since I was out of bed, I got dressed. I argued with myself to just take a day off, but then I told myself that the non-profit isn’t going to start itself and my book isn’t going to get published by itself. In the next breathe, I became overwhelmed by everything that needed to be done, the money aspect of starting a non-profit and the evil invisible Failure entity.

I told myself take a baby step and get the keys to the mailbox I rented for the non-profit. Because when I went to fill out the paperwork to establish the non-profit as a 501c3 with the State of Colorado, the address part stopped me and I didn’t want to put my home address.

After picking up the keys, I have to say it has lifted my mood and sparked some motivation in me.

Positive Thinking: What has Been Great

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  1. Eating Chick-fil-A, this is after trying to eat healthy, because I can’t run due to my injured ankle.
  2. Getting out of bed…LOL…I’m in one of those moods today where I just want to be a slug and do nothing.
  3. Baby steps…I have waves of feeling overwhelmed starting a non-profit…I keep telling myself take baby steps.
  4. Baby step one today – getting the keys to the mailbox I rented for the non-profit…to get me moving instead of doing nothing today.
  5. Taking the plunge and starting a non-profit.
  6. Creating the website for the non-profit.
  7. A friend of mine may be moving here…YAY.
  8. Watching Austenland, I wanted to see this movie when it came out.
  9. Being content with being single, Love just happens…it can’t be forced.
  10. Having a week and a half off from the hospital.

Girl Power: Guys are Just the Cherry on Top

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Let me explain…

If I had a daughter, I would tell her to focus on herself, her career and her life if she wants to be happy. And that Happiness is not going to be found by having some Man in her life. It’s up to her to complete her life and not depend on a Man to complete it.

Her life should be like a martini or if martinis aren’t your thing than a milkshake and the Man is the Cherry on top. By viewing life this way, she will already be fulfilled with her life, be happy and independent. When the right Man comes along he’ll add flavor to an already enriched life. She won’t rely on him to make her life more fulfilling, be her reason to be happy or be there to solely improve her life.

By having a martini or milkshake life, she can have a healthy relationship where the two of them can enjoy what each other bring to the table. They will be able to compliment each other. And, they won’t be co-dependent on one another.

I was raised to believe my goal in life should be to find a husband, get married and have kids and that was it. When I went to college one of my uncles asked me if I found a boyfriend and my response was I didn’t go to college to find a boy. He looked at me like I was some kinda alien and I knew he was wondering why I went to college…LOL.

Despite having the independent side and getting that my life should be like a martini, there was a part of me that was influenced by how I was raised. This could be one of the reasons my marriage failed. I depended on my ex too much. During my marriage, I kept trying to make my life a martini and, obviously, something went wrong during my pursuit for the career I desired and the happiness I searched for.

The other day I realized I really don’t want to be in a relationship right now, because when I would get on the dating sites there was constant conflict inside me about whether I wanted to date now. I kept telling myself I wanted to focus on my writing and my life.

Then it came to me. My life is not a Martini, yet, so I’m getting ahead of myself trying to find that Cherry.

Positive Thinking: What is Great About this Guy

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I was thinking about the guy I was dating and when a person is hurt, it’s easy to think negatively about the person, who hurt you. My ex has many negative views about me. This probably helps ease the pain of our marriage failing.

After thinking about the guy I was dating, I thought I have the power to Choose to focus on his positive qualities. What makes him a good guy?

  1. He’s a gentleman.
  2. He’s funny.
  3. He’s a devoted father to his kids that he loves very much.
  4. He’s super smart.
  5. He’s kind.
  6. He’s considerate.
  7. He’s appreciative.
  8. He’s adventurous.
  9. He’s dedicated.
  10. He’s brave.

And if we had more time together to get to know each other better, I’m sure I could come up with more of his awesome qualities.

Sure, I’m still hurting from things not working out between us. But, I realized, today, I can choose to hurt and think negatively, like my ex does with me most of the time or think positive. I’m choosing to think positive, remember what a great guy he is and remember the good times between us.

Because negative thinking only hurts me and makes me a bitter woman, which really doesn’t accomplish anything.